i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize