How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
