New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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