I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
