i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
