Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
how does that bad decision feel?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize