Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
