It's Friday. Sex?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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