i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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