WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
soo... how was my night?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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