He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
