"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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