I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
