the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
