we made out on top of his cat.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
did you just send me my own nude
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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