Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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