im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
