Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
