hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
