Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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