Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
