Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
