we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
