We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
