Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Where is the hickey?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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