I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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