Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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