Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
