Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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