Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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