I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
