Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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