i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He did a backflip because drugs
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
