So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Dear god my vagina.
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