I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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