Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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