To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
