if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
