Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
