cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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