Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize