Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
