I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
