Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
