it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
