do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
