You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
