Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
