the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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