I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
