hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
