there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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