I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
