either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
