another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
