Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
