Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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