he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
