the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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