My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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