On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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