I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We are two peas in an std pod
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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