sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
