Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
