I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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