piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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